From Fear to Love: Coming Home to Ourselves

Many years ago, during a long and rainy day visiting the temples and shrines of Kyoto, Japan, I had an experience that has stayed with me ever since.

At Kiyomizu-dera, I entered Zuigudo Hall and descended a set of stairs into a passageway said to represent the womb of the mother of the Buddha.

It was dark—darker than any darkness I had experienced before.

There were no walls or landmarks I could see. The only guide through the underground passage was a string of large wooden balls. I held one in my hand, reached forward until I found the next, and then released the one behind me.

One ball at a time.
One step at a time.
One moment at a time.

With nothing visible to hold on to, I had little choice but to let go.

The experience had been created centuries earlier to help monks practice nonattachment: to enter the darkness, release their usual reference points, and surrender to the experience.

As I continued, I noticed myself relaxing. There was nothing to plan and nothing to figure out. I could not see where the path was leading. All I could do was remain present, release what was behind me, and reach for what came next.

Eventually, a dim light appeared ahead of me. It came from a large stone within the darkness.

Before entering, a monk had told me that when I reached the stone, I could place my hand upon it and make one wish.

Then he had emphasized: “Just one wish.”

Standing before the stone, I considered what I might ask for.

A long life? That felt like attachment.

A healthy life? Attachment again.

Something for my children? Even that did not feel like the one wish that mattered most.

I realized that I was trying to think my way toward the right answer.

So I stopped.

I closed my eyes, returned to the darkness, and felt my whole body and being. Placing a hand over my heart, I asked myself:

“What really matters?”

Slowly, one very clear word arose.

Love.

I placed my hand upon the stone and silently offered my wish:

“In my life, I wish to give and receive love.”

I then continued through the passage and ascended the stairs into the daylight. The world seemed clearer and brighter. I felt light, free, and deeply at peace.

At the time, I understood this as a powerful personal experience. Looking back now, I see that it also contained the essence of the work to which I have devoted much of my life.

The journey from fear to love

Last week, I wrote about coming away from our Deepening Your Relationship weekend at Kripalu with my faith in our human capacity to transform renewed.

We really can change.

We can change how we show up in our relationships. We can change how we respond when we feel hurt or threatened. We can learn to listen rather than defend, turn toward rather than away, and become present before allowing an old reaction to determine what happens next.

But how does this kind of change occur?

Meaningful transformation rarely comes from someone telling us what to do. Nor does it necessarily come from trying harder to think our way to the right answer.

It comes from within.

The journey beneath the temple offered me a carefully held experience in which I could let go of my ordinary reference points. I could stop trying to control where I was going. I could become present to what was happening within me and listen from a place deeper than my thinking mind.

That is also central to the way I understand transformational work.

Whether I am facilitating a Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy experience, working with someone one-to-one, or guiding couples in Deepening Your Relationship, my role is not to provide another person with answers.

My role is to help create the conditions in which people can slow down, become present, listen inwardly, and discover something true for themselves.

Coming home to ourselves

Much of what we do in life is shaped by fear.

We fear being hurt, rejected, judged, abandoned, or misunderstood. We develop habits intended to protect us. Those habits may once have served us well, but over time they can keep us separated from other people—and from ourselves.

Transformation becomes possible when we feel safe enough to notice those patterns without being ruled by them.

As we become more present to our bodies and to the present moment, we create a little more space around our automatic reactions. Within that space, we may discover another possibility.

We can listen instead of defend.

We can remain present instead of withdrawing.

We can speak honestly without attacking.

We can release an old belief and take one small step toward something new.

These choices may appear simple, but they can represent a profound movement from fear toward love.

No facilitator can make that transformation happen for another person. I certainly cannot.

But a skillful facilitator can become a catalyst for transformation by creating a safe, carefully held experience in which another person can encounter their own truth and recognize their own capacity to change.

The answer is not imposed from outside. It is discovered within.

The experience brings us home to ourselves.

One step at a time

The journey from fear to love is rarely completed in one dramatic moment. More often, it happens as my journey through the darkness did:

One step at a time.

We release one familiar response and reach toward another. We let go of the need to know the entire path before taking the next step. We become present enough to hear what is true now.

Then we bring that truth into action.

When one person changes how they show up, that change ripples outward—to a partner, a family, a community, and perhaps much further than we will ever know.

Nearly a decade after first sharing the story of my experience in Kyoto, the wish I made there continues to guide me.

To give and receive love.

To help create the conditions in which people can move from fear toward love.

And to remind people that the wisdom and capacity for change they are seeking may already live within them.

What might become possible if you stopped looking outside yourself for the answer, became still, and listened to what is already within you?